Chapter 186
○○○
「I—」
Mika hesitates, and I wait for her.
She struggles to find the right words, repeatedly making incomplete sounds like 「ah…」 and 「I…」
Watching her like this stirs up an indescribable feeling of frustration in my chest.
「I just wanted to thank you, Mika. That’s really all.
If there’s something difficult for you to say, since neither of us is at our best right now, we can make time later when things have settled down.」
My words are filled with deception.
It’s a bit painful.
That’s why I want to leave quickly.
I know what awaits the two of us—
「Ah!」
Mika timidly catches the hem of my clothes as I turn away.
When I turn back to face her,
「Um, could you spare a moment of your time?」
She asks me, her eyes downcast.
Reluctantly nodding, I follow her invitation into the room.
At the table, she prepares two milk teas – one for me and one for her. Three spoonfuls of sugar for her, two for me. She adds them to our cups without asking. We both have a sweet tooth.
As she settles into her chair, we naturally end up facing each other.
Like before, Mika struggles to find words for a while, but I silently watch over her. Finally, she seems to make up her mind and opens her mouth.
「Sir Yamada, please allow me to apologize here and now for all the trouble I’ve caused you.」
Mika bows her head deeply.
To be honest, I have no idea what exactly she’s apologizing for.
Is she talking about how she treated me when I was in the Hero’s party? Or is it about how after I left the party, she and Ryūgūin branded me as the Runaway Holy Knight and credited all my achievements to the Hero and themselves? Or perhaps she’s referring to her behavior in the Sealed Dungeon? I can’t figure it out.
「You say ‘all the trouble,’ but I don’t know what exactly you’re referring to or how far it goes.」
I notice Mika’s body flinch at my words.
○○○
Mika takes a breath.
「I understand all of my sins—everything I’ve done from the moment I met you until this very instant.」
The way she speaks suggests she remembers even the times when her perception was warped by Ryūgūin.
Her voice trembles uncontrollably.
「Breaking our important promise, looking down on you along with the Hero, trampling on your feelings even though you continued to support us without abandoning us, and then—」
「Okay, okay! It was my fault! I didn’t mean to do that. I’m sorry for testing you like that!」
「Please stop, don’t apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong. Everything is my fault.」
Her voice comes out barely above a whisper.
Then, as if having made up her mind,
「Would you please listen to what I have to say for a while? It might be strange to ask this of someone I’m apologizing to…」
She pleads with me.
「This is just my own self-satisfaction.」
She says with a hint of self-mockery.
Her demeanor makes my chest tighten.
I just nod and say 「Alright.」
「It’s about when we faced the Sacred Sword monster again in the Sealed Dungeon the other day.
When my mana was depleted and I was completely exhausted, ridiculously enough, in my hazy consciousness, I mistook Holy Knight Ashley for you.
Both you and Ashley possess that same nobility that never seeks reward, and that same fierce courage to shed tears for others and disregard your own safety.
Looking back now, you and Ashley are probably similar.
Ah, that must be why I—
In that moment—when Ashley was about to be struck by the deadly blade, before I knew it, my body was moving.」
So that’s why, in her final moments, she worried about my safety and offered an apology.
「When I was slashed in her place, I felt at peace.
But think about it.
To throw away everything—compensation, apologies, everything—and leave this world selfishly. Could there be anything more cowardly than that?」
Her words weren’t really a question.
Each word seemed to be tormenting herself.
「I even thought that with my death, I could atone for my sins against you, and my foolish life would end, and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything anymore.」
Everyone has wounds in their heart. I myself have countless wounds. Even now, remembering them brings pain.
Similarly, Mika, standing before my eyes, has deep wounds in her heart.
Hers is like a curse born from regaining her sanity and accurately reflecting on her past actions with remorse.
「I am a shallow and ugly person.」
Her wounds never heal, continuing to fester.
「I—I know that apologizing to you won’t change the past. But I—I want to sincerely apologize to you, who spent so much time with me.」
I think back to the past.
When I was first summoned here, I didn’t know left from right and always felt uneasy. Back then, when I was still inexperienced, Mika was the only one who stayed by my side and supported me continuously.
「I have hurt you so many times.
I am truly sorry.」
She stands up from her chair and bows deeply.
This isn’t the future I fought for.
「Though I know I don’t deserve forgiveness, still—」
From her demeanor and expressions I’ve been watching, I understand.
She doesn’t even think her apology will be accepted in the first place.
No, more than that—
「Angie apologized to me too.」
「Huh?」
Mika lifts her head at my response to her apology, letting out a confused sound.
「I—」
That’s right. I should have learned by now.
If I let momentary emotions like anger, embarrassment, confusion, and perplexity guide my judgment, and if I don’t convey important things thinking there will be another chance, I’ll end up regretting it someday.
「Humans are mysterious beings that can’t be understood in simple terms.
The heart is complex, and words are difficult. So I’m not confident I can convey everything. But please listen to me for a bit.」
I gesture for her to sit down again.
「There are hardly any humans who maintain consistent emotions, and we humans are beings who naturally hold contradicting feelings.」
Even at this moment, what I sense from Mika is something close to resignation.
「I—I hated all of you. I thought I could never forgive you.」
At my words, Mika clenches her fist at her chest and sheds tears.
However, there’s something I need to convey.
「But that’s not all there is to it.」
I shake my head twice as if denying what I just said.
「I’m human too. I have contradicting emotions. The conflict between these two feelings makes my chest hurt and makes me want to scream.
But I’ve decided to live while carrying these feelings.」
Living is painful and difficult.
I understand that this is natural.
Even now, Mika is crying, and I—
「My feelings of hatred aren’t a lie. But still, the time we spent together back then was real. Our everyday moments, Mika’s smile beside me, the days we risked our lives exploring—there shouldn’t have been any lies in any of that.」
Those days come back to me in vivid colors.
Dwelling on days we can never return to is the saddest and most painful thing of all.
The world is irreversible, and we can never go back to the past that has already passed. No matter how much we wish or dream, what has been lost will never return.
We all have to live carrying such wounds. No matter how painful it may be.
Even so, even so—
「That’s why, no matter what, no matter what, I just can’t bring myself to completely hate all of you.」
The tears flowing down my cheeks won’t stop.
「So, I’ll accept your apology, Mika.」
If you enjoy it and wish to see more, please consider giving it a 5-star rating for the series on NU. Click Here.
Check out my Patreon for early access to upcoming updates. Patreon Link